Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (Tommy Wirkola, 2013)

The impressively stupid title promises nothing of value and one of the film's only virtues is coming good on that promise. Hansel and Gretel are kung-fu fighting witch slayers in a medieval Europe of indeterminate geography, realised with a TV-movie level of attention to period detail. They dress in bad-ass black leather and have giant arrow machine guns a la Hugh Jackman in the equally shoddy teen market-aimed Van Helsing. Jeremy Renner still looks like a potato, no matter how many women directors will throw at him, and Gemma Arteton is as wooden as ever. And there's not even anything novel to the realisation of the screeching witches.

3/10