The Da Vinci Code (Ron Howard, 2006)

On one hand, converting Dan Brown's pseudorevelatory wodge of pulp to the more time-efficient format of film is welcome, on the other two and a half hours is still an awfully long time to spend in the company of poorly conceived piffle. My concern is not what jerks the chains of religious fanatics: the idea of the Holy Grail as a female presence deleted from the records by the patriarchal and Christ-guarding Church is actually a rather interesting one and it is of little relevance whether recorded history is tinkered with by the writer to serve the purpose of that plot conceit. What is not forgivable, though, is the sheer stupidity of large swathes of the story, with its needlessly contrived puzzle-solving. Time and time again, 'thrills' are only created because the protagonists will stop to deliver installments of exposition on the uncovering of the mystery so far so that their pursuers can once more catch up to place them in jeopardy. At the same time, an estimable cast take turns in trying to animate their characters and fail without exception. And never mind all the outrage it provoked amongst zealots, which is not hard to do: it ends up sitting on the fence and thereby satisfies no-one.

3/10