Conan the Barbarian (Marcus Nispel, 2011)

As Hollywood continues to eat itself, the pickings get more and more meagre. So we've reached the stage where even the semi-palatable bits of Arnold Schwarzenegger's back catalogue are being cannibalised for any remaining returns. Conan beats the Total Recall retread to the screen and simultaneously beats all rhyme and reason too. Jason Momoa may look the part as a permascowling beefcake but manages to make Arnie look like Olivier too in terms of magnetism and command of nuance, while the chief baddie is more vindictive bank manager than the stately malevolence of James Earl Jones in the original film. Above all, there's no room for atmosphere, with a director plainly too scared of ever letting up on the action lest we realise the futility of the undertaking.

3/10